(Which one of these 51 One-Liners applies most succinctly to your miserable life?)
1. It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.
2. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
3. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
4. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
5. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
8. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
9. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
10. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
11. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
12. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
13. If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.
14. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
15. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
16. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
17. No one is listening until you fart.
18. Only dead fish go with the flow.
19. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
20. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
21. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
22. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
23. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
24. Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
25. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
26. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
27. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
28. Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
29. Beauty is only skin deep… but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
30. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.
31. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
32. With a calendar, your days are numbered.
33. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
34. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
35. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
36. Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.
37. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
38. At certain times, any one of us may be depriving some poor village of its idiot.
39. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
40. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
41. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
42. Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
43. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
44. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
45. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
46. Everyone has the right to be stupid, just don’t abuse the privilege.
47. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
48. There are no winners in life… only survivors.
49. Strangers have the best candy.
50. Trust but verify.
and Never Forget…
51. If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.